I'm Now a Woman Again, Not Just a Mother

Disclaimer: Any men that are reading that don't want to hear about women's issues, don't read past the first two paragraphs.

Yeah, I know, funny name for a post. I couldn't think of a better, tactful one. So here's the deal: Today's Monday, right? Yeah, so a week ago today I drove down to Lebanon to stay with Bryan's mom. Bryan left shortly before noon the Sunday before to catch a plane to Detroit, Michigan for a business trip. He wouldn't be returning until late Friday morning. I didn't want to be home by myself that long, even though I was going to have a vehicle. I am comfortable enough with Bryan's mom and stepdad to spend nights there, so J.R. and I were going to pass the time without Bryan with them. But I didn't realize how hard it is to not have the comforts of home. I had to bring so much stuff for J.R. just so I could make sure he was comfortable, but I forgot about me. I brought his swing, his feeding chair, his baby food, his bedtime book, his swaddling blanket, his toys, his stroller, his playmat, and his pacifiers, but I forgot to bring stuff to keep myself occupied. They have satellite TV, so I watched that some, and they've got tons of books, so I could have read some of those. But it's still really stressful not having a real place that feels like mine to escape to and de-stress. My stress level got way too high. It got so high that even Nancy got to see me get frustrated with J.R., and normally, that doesn't happen when we're away from home and I don't have as many responsibilities. I ended up having to stave off two or three panic attacks over this past weekend, and one more tonight when we got home.

I drove back up to Columbia on Friday to see Bryan. He had to drop off the company car that he took to the airport, so I had to pick him up from work. He came home to drop his stuff off at the house, and I met him there. We drove to his work, where he was given the rest of the day off. We had lunch and came back home to relax for the night before we drove back down to Lebanon the next for Bryan to see his parents. It was then that I discovered:

I had started my period. I was pretty shocked at first. I haven't had a period since September of last year. I was enjoying not having to deal with it. Luckily I had decided to prepare my bathroom for it a couple months ago, so I didn't have to send Bryan to the store or anything. But I wasn't prepared for what my period would be like without being on birth control. I had been pretty emotional that day, and now I knew why. But the next morning, I woke up with cramps, worse than I usually get, and I was so tired. To boot, Bryan had a pretty bad headache, so that made for a very bad day. We debated on not going to Lebanon, but Bryan's dad was expecting us. So we both agreed to try to put on a nice, brave face and go. I almost took Midol, but the directions say to ask a doctor before taking it while breastfeeding, so I didn't. It had an ingredient in it I'd never heard of, so I resisted the urge to take it anyway. I took two extra-strength Tylenol instead. They didn't help my cramps or Bryan's headache after he took some himself. Not fun. Usually, pre-baby, my cramps, if I had any, only lasted the first day. Not this time. I had to deal with them the next morning, too. And my back hurt on top of that. The stress was affecting my digestive tract. I hate stress. I blame stress for making me start my period again.

That is why I titled the post like I did. Starting my monthly again makes me a woman again. But it was still nice not having to deal with it for over a year. I went for 15 months without menstruating. It was awesome. I think I'm going to try to get back on birth control, to help regulate my period and lessen the symptoms that go with it. I had gone off because my prescription ran out through the military, and I hadn't seen a doc here, because I had no reason to. We were being careful enough not to worry about it. I just don't want to wait to find out how long it will take my body to get into a rhythm again.

Anyway, I've decided I don't want to be away from home for that long again and not have a space of my own to escape to. It's been rough on me, on my body, and consequently, on J.R. too. And that's not fair to him.

I'm working on getting a compilation DVD made of J.R. I have some new video of him, but it took me nearly a week to figure out how to get it on here the last time. Once I have that DVD made, it will be easier. So look for that in the next post or two.

TTFN!!!

J.R.'s Weight Check and Follow-Up

Thanks for reminding me to do this, Lindsay! Between the hullaballoo over Thanksgiving, which I'll get to later, and trying to get ready for Bryan's business trip to Detroit, I totally forgot to update this!

Anyway, so I actually made it on time to this appointment, which was good. We got called back pretty quickly, but it was apparent the nurse didn't quite know what she was supposed to do. First she acted like we were going to take his weight immediately, then she led us back to an exam room. She told me to undress him, and she didn't even have the Chux pad ready to wrap him in. She got that ready while I stripped him. Then we went back up front to weigh him. He weighed 12 pounds and 10 ounces. He'd put on 10 ounces in two and a half weeks. She sent me back to the exam room and told me I could put his diaper back on. I did that, and she came back in to say that the doctor wanted a temperature and head circumference. She took his temperature (with J.R. trying to eat the thermometer the whole time) and his head circumference and left. Then she came back in to tell me that she also needed to get a length. The head circumference tape was only 23 inches long, and he was over 24 inches the last time, so we knew that wouldn't work. So I had to take him back up front to put him back on the scale. I have to hold his head back so that the top of his head touches the uppermost part of the scale. He really hates that. The nurse had her finger on the 25 and 3/4 mark when she told me I could let go of his head, but on our way back to the exam room, she second-guessed herself and decided that it was really 24 and 3/4 inches, which meant he'd not grown in height since his last visit. That got the nurse concerned. She started asking questions, and I told her that his lack of growth was the reason for our visit. Finally she was finished. The doctor came in and told me that she'd never actually gotten the results of his echo, and asked me what I was told. So I told her what the doctor told me. She wrote it down, and then plugged J.R.'s new numbers into her computer. According to her chart, J.R. is now on the 5th percentile line, which means he's now on the curve instead of under it. So she was content with that. She said that she didn't see any reason to run any more tests, and the next time she'd like to see him was for his next immunizations in mid-January. She also moving offices, and will only be about five minutes from our house when she does. That was great news. No more fighting traffic for nearly 30 minutes. But I'm supposed to call back if I don't hear from them by the end of December to get an appointment made.

I was calm enough to be able to ask questions this visit. I'd made a list of questions to ask, but silly me, I left it at home. But I remembered enough to ask:
I've heard that breastfed babies tend to be smaller than formula-fed babies, and many growth charts don't account for that. What's your opinion?
-She said that breastfed babies usually weigh the same if not more than formula-fed babies for the first six months, and between six and twelve months, they tend to be smaller than babies on formula. She didn't say anything about the growth charts.
What other non-medical, environmental reasons could there be for him to be small? (I was fishing to see if my stress level being high most of the time could attribute)
-The first thing she mentioned was lead. That would have been the next test done if he hadn't gained appropriately. The next was celiac disease, an allergy to gluten, where they don't absorb any nutrients from bread-based foods. (I know that in adults, that caused weight gain, so that kinda threw me off. And she was giving me medical reasons, not environmental. She misunderstood what I meant by environment.)
I also asked what he should be doing developmentally.
-Sitting up with support (check), grasping things with a raking motion (check), nonsensical babbling (check), playing with his feet (double check), and using consonant sounds such as ba-ba-ba, and duh-duh-duh. That was the only thing he wasn't doing.

So all in all, apart from a seemingly flustered nurse, the visit went well. J.R. is on the curve, though at the low end, but as long as his doctor's not worried, I'm not worried. He is getting two to three meals of baby food a day now, as well as all of his regular nursings. He wakes up one to two times a night for feedings, and once in the early morning (5:30). That means that unfortunately, I've not been able to pump any for him. That means that I don't have breastmilk to mix in with his rice and oatmeal cereals. So I've been using cow's milk. So far, he seems to be doing okay on it. But I've only been doing that a couple days. So we'll see. The doctor mentioned my babyhood milk allergy, and I told her that I thought it was more likely a severe case of reflux, since even my soy formula didn't stay down, and I can drink milk just fine now. I just can't have too much or it makes me feel sick to my stomach. But anyway, that's our update. I'll get to the Thanksgiving entry now.

TTFN!!!

Angela

J.R.'s Echo

Hello all, I just wanted to write and update everyone on J.R.'s appointment today. It was a pretty hectic day, J.R. is deciding that he doesn't need to nap as often as he used to, but he's still tired at the same times. So he ends up just crying for an hour and a half this morning until he finally gets tired enough to go to sleep. He then slept for two hours, letting me get about an hour and a half more sleep after being up since 4:45am when I usually don't get up and stay up until 7 or 8. So that was nice. But anyway, Nancy made it in right before 1:30pm, and we left straight away.


I had dressed him with this appointment in mind, in a shirt and pants instead of a onesie and pants, and they had me remove his shirt. It was an ultrasound, so the tech used the gel stuff on him, and she gave me a frog puppet that ribbited the tune of "Old MacDonald" and "Are You Sleeping" when you closed its mouth. That kept his attention for a while. And then they needed him to keep his head turned a certain direction, so another tech came in and held a different toy. That didn't work at first, so I had to switch places with that tech and hold the toy. But he did really well, much better than I expected. He kept trying to grab the wand or the cord leading from it, so Nancy and I each took one of his hands, and she kept his legs still so that he couldn't try to chew on his toes.



Anyway, they did find a heart murmur. The tech finished and brought a pediatric cardiologist in to look at the results. He said the murmur is really small, and that murmurs are really very common, between 3 out of 4 and 80% of babies are born with them. The way he put it, it "was just part of being people," he said. And he said that he didn't see anything that would contribute to him being small. So this test pretty much ruled out a heart murmur as being the cause of his lack of weight gain. His next appointment with his doctor is next Thursday, the 29th, when I figure she will start suggesting other reasons and/or ways to rectify his growth. We are starting to feed him a solid food meal three times a day after Thanksgiving. He's on two meals right now, once we're past the allergy threshold for his new food, I'm going to start him on oatmeal for breakfast, then start adding fruits to it. I'm continuing adding veggies to his rice mixture, which so far, he's tried carrots and green beans and seems to like them both pretty well.



I will update when I know more after his next appointment. In the meantime, enjoy his first picture with Santa.

JR's First Doctor's Appointment

Hello, all, I can't believe it's been two months since I updated! It seems like the time goes by so fast, and yet so slowly at the same time. Staying at home like I do, with each day being very much like the last, the time seems to drag. But then I look back, and I see just how much J.R. has grown and developed, and I wonder, where did it all go? It's a wonderful thing being able to stay home, but I also seem to take a lot for granted doing that as well. Today made me realize that I really shouldn't do that any longer.

In some ways, I feel like a bad parent because I haven't gotten him to the doctor until now. But then I look at it and realize that I did the best I could. I wanted to make sure that he was going to be taken care of in case something went wrong with a vaccination, or he had another problem that we needed to address. Until our insurance became effective, and we had the funding to allow for it, we really couldn't have afforded any other issues beyond getting him vaccinated. And I also realized that vaccinations are optional. Some parents don't get their children vaccinated, and they aren't brought up on charges of child endangerment or neglect. I didn't know that before.

But anyway... It took me calling five different pediatricians, and being redirected to over a half dozen other offices before I found one that was taking new patients. Then the receptionist couldn't find our insurance information in her database. So I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to get him seen by this doctor after all. But when I gave her Bryan's information, I guess that did it, because she stopped talking like it wasn't working out for her. So he had an appointment for two days later. Finally.

So this morning, I take Bryan to work so I'll have the truck. His appointment was at 8:00am, I arrived at 8:10. He's called back, and I strip him down, wrap him in a Chux pad (those blue papery pads like what you put down for puppies when you're housetraining) and we go take his weight. He weighs 12 pounds. The little stinker, now that his toes are exposed, he chews on his big toe the entire time the nurse is taking his weight. It was really cute. We get his length (24 and 3/4 inches), he didn't like that so much, because I had to adjust his head so that the top of it was touching the edge of the scale, and the nurse was holding his leg down. We go back to the exam room, where I tell the nurse that he needs his first round of shots, because the only shot he's ever gotten was his HepB. The head nurse comes in and hands me the vaccine information sheets. He has to have one extra shot than is usually needed at his age because he's too old to be given the vaccine orally. So he's getting four shots: HiB/HepB, polio, rotavirus, and DTaP. The doctor comes in, doesn't look much older than me. We start talking, and I am SO nervous. I was afraid that she was going to chide me for waiting so long to get him in. But she didn't. She quizzed me about family history and what my pregnancy and delivery was like. She asked me if I had any concerns, and I mentioned his weight, that everyone told me he was very small for his age. He's started on rice cereal, and we are just now starting him on vegetables, but it hasn't made him gain any that I could tell. We only manage to get him cereal about three times a week. She showed me the growth chart, and he is below the 5th percentile for his age. She said that with only two measurements, this one and his birth weight, it was hard to gauge how much of a concern that should be. But she wanted to see us again in two to four weeks for a weight check. She felt his lymph nodes and listened to his breathing and heart rate. Then she gave me bad news: She heard a murmur. She explained that it's not really anything to be too concerned about, but it might explain the weight issue. On its own, she would just keep an eye on it. But because he's so small, she scheduled us for an ultrasound of his heart, so they can look at it and see what exactly is causing his murmur. I wanted to cry. Here I thought I was doing okay, that he was healthy and happy and fine, so I felt okay about not getting him to the doctor. But then I'm told that there is indeed something wrong with him, and I feel terrible. But I tried not to worry too much. At least not until I know if there is something bigger to worry about. Heart murmurs are common in babies, many grow out of them. So the doctor finishes up with him, and the nurses come in with the needles. I play with J.R. and tickle him while they do the alcohol swab and prep for shots. They ask me to hold his hands. So I do, and I continue playing with him. I can't watch when I get a shot, so I certainly don't turn my head so I can see when they stick him. He lets me know all on his own. He starts wailing. I don't hear the "I'm in pain" cry very often. I hate that cry, because nearly every time, it's my fault; I've pinched him with a buckle, or scratched him with my nail, or bonked his head on something. This time was no different. I let someone stab him with a needle. My head knew why, but my heart hurt to hear that cry. But he was fine the minute I picked him up. They had me sign a document, I'm ashamed to say I have no idea what it was for, and they left, telling me I could nurse him and keep the room for some extra time for that. So I nursed him, during which he fell asleep, and then I had to wake him up again to get him dressed. We went back out to the reception desk and got his ultrasound and weight check scheduled. I called Bryan when I got home. He wasn't happy. He researched heart murmurs while I was on the phone and realized that they are actually very common. That eased his mind some, but he was still worried about how much the test was going to cost, and if we were going to have the money for it. I knew we had it, so I wasn't too horribly concerned. While we were coming back home after I picked him up from work, I realized that it was actually a good thing that I waited to bring him to the doctor. If I had actually taken him in for his two month visit and this had been found, we would not have had the money at all to get this test for him. Now we do, and we're in a place where we can get further care if he needs it. Bryan wanted to quit martial arts to make sure that we'd have the money if this needs further investigation and/or treatment, but I urged him not to quit until we know that. There's no need, unless we made it a point to put the money we spent there into our HSA for that purpose. He's not under a contract with them, so he can quit if we realize he needs to.

But we decided to try to feed J.R. his rice cereal/vegetable mix every night for a week, and then increase the feedings to include either breakfast or lunch as well. We're hoping that will help increase his weight. I had thought that he was so small because he was breastfed. Since formula still has so much in it that babies don't need or don't digest, they gain more weight faster. I was too nervous to ask about this with the doctor. I need to make a list, like I did when I was pregnant, to take with me to his weight check. Bryan made a joke, but it was a good point. We're so worried about obesity in America, and we get in trouble because we have a skinny baby. The doctor did say that he doesn't look undernourished, and she asked about a couple developmental markers, which he's hit. That was why I wasn't getting too concerned about his weight, because he seemed healthy, and he was developing on track.

So it was a pretty rough morning. We went home and slept off and on for about four hours. Then we went and picked Bryan up. J.R. was pretty sleepy most of the day. I don't blame him. I felt so sorry for him. It's hard to change his diaper without coming into contact with his injection sites, which are on the tops of both his thighs. Poor kid.

So his ultrasound is next Tuesday, and his weight check and follow-up are the Thursday after Thanksgiving. I will definitely be writing more then. Until then, I'm going to try to go on like I have been, try not to worry too much, and try not to spoil J.R. too much just because we found out he has a heart murmur. He's been fine so far, he'll be fine for a couple more weeks. The only thing I'm worried about now is him having a reaction to one of his vaccines. The trouble with giving so many at one time is that there's no way to tell, as far as I know, which one caused the reaction if there is one.

Anyway, I've written enough. I need to get something to snack on and get ready for bed. And check on my baby one more time before I hit the pillow.

TTFN,
Angela

J.R. and his Mommy at 12 weeks

Hello, all. I can't believe it's been six weeks! I reread through that last post before I started this, and it seems like all of that was just last week! And yet, we've had SO much happen in the last six weeks that it seems like forever ago at the same time. So let me start at the beginning:

J.R. is doing amazingly well. We've had no sickness, and my guess is that he's weighing about 10-11 pounds now. He's full of smiles, and I heard him laugh for the first time last weekend. :D

I am now only ten pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, and my mood is through the roof these days. My stretch marks have finally started to fade, though I'm still noticing that I've got new ones on the backs of my thighs. I'm losing weight, and yet I've got new stretch marks. That doesn't seem fair...

Breastfeeding is going well. He's a horrid nurser, but we've gotten used to each other now. He only nurses for about five minutes per side before he starts squirming around and getting fussy. I finally discovered that it wasn't gas causing that. My little boy is impatient and has a short fuse. If the milk isn't coming out fast enough for him, he gets upset. It took about ten minutes of brainstorming with my mom when I thought he had a horrible side preference to figure that out. He doesn't fall asleep nursing very often anymore, unless he's already tired from missing his nap beforehand. Now I know that most often, when he starts getting fussy, he's getting tired, and I can rock him or put him in his swing to preempt any major breakdown he may have.

Now, for the car trip. Bryan and I were both seriously dreading the car ride from Virginia to Missouri. J.R. had this horrid habit of needing to be rocked to sleep, and you just can't do that in a car seat. But we managed to figure out what seemed to be exactly what he wants: We gave him his pacifier and tucked his blanket around him, similar to swaddling him. As long as he can see me or Bryan, he is quiet, and just drifts off to sleep all by himself. That car ride went so exceedingly well, SO much better than we expected. The only time he got really worked up was when he was hungry and I couldn't feed him right away. We had a system where we alternated between bottle and breast so that we didn't have to stop every two hours, and instead stopped every four. We bought a bottle warmer that plugs into the cigarette lighter or power port to heat up his milk, and we bought the Playtex VentAire bottles that are angled to be able to feed him better while he was in his car seat. So if it was time to breastfeed and we hadn't found a good spot to stop soon enough, he was mad. But that only happened a couple of times. And it didn't seem to bother anyone very much.

And since we've finally figured out what to do about his moods in the car, Bryan doesn't dread car rides with him anymore. We go nearly everywhere together. Now that we're in a town Bryan doesn't know and I do, I have to play tour guide and map lady anyway. But even when he knows how to get somewhere, he still wants me to go. And speaking of going places with J.R., we went grocery shopping at Walmart a couple weeks ago. It came time for J.R. to eat, but we knew that even if we went to leave at that moment, checking out, loading the truck, and driving home would all take too much time, and he would be screaming by the time we got home. So I stepped into a corner between two aisles, Bryan stood in front of me, and I latched J.R. on right there. I covered him with a blanket, and we made our way to the checkout. It was pretty comical. I've nursed in public before, but it was always at restaurants, I've never done it walking around a grocery store before.

Now for the reflux and gas. Neither bothers him nearly as much as I thought. I bought the Gripe Water by Little Remedies, and had been giving him that every night to calm his stomach, and then giving him the simethicone (Mylicon) drops after his nighttime feedings. I did both during the two-day car ride here. But I haven't done either for quite some time, and he is perfectly fine. He's still gassy, but it doesn't bother him. His reflux bothers him a little bit, but if I give him his pacifier, he's fine.

AND HE'S SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!! I am so elated! I'm getting all the sleep I need. J.R. goes to bed with the sun, right about 8:00pm. We have our little bedtime routine, and he falls asleep on his own. Then he doesn't wake up again until after 5:00am! He's been going in week-long cycles lately. This last week, he's been waking up about 6:00-6:30am. The week before, he was getting up at 1:30am and 6:30am. And the week before that, he was waking up at 3:00am and 7:00am. Right now, I'm loving the sleep I'm getting. He wakes up around 5:30-6:30am, nurses, and then sleeps until 8:30 or 9:00am! It's so wonderful! He goes to bed, and then I have time to clean up the kitchen, and tidy up the house a little bit. Bryan and I spend a little bit of time together, playing video games or just chatting, and I'm in bed by ten. I'm trying to get up about 1:00am to express milk. I've been doing so well with that lately, that I'm almost out of storage bags!

I did get very concerned about my mental health for a while. Bryan was getting very depressed because he still didn't have a job when we moved, and J.R. was difficult to deal with. I couldn't deal with the emotional upheaval of being a new mother and Bryan's depression as well. I seriously considered going on anti-depressants. I was going to talk to the midwife about it at my six-week checkup, but she made it seem like my issues with motherhood were normal. I didn't tell her about Bryan's issues, since he was there in the room with me. But I regretted it shortly after. Things got really rough the week before the move. But I'm doing so much better now. Bryan has a job he really likes, and he's making enough money to support me staying home. He's a much different person than he was in Virginia, and I've finally gotten the courage to bring up some of the issues that I want to see changed here. We're working on those, and things are going pretty well.

In other news, J.R. got to meet my dad last weekend. That was a momentous occasion that, unfortunately, Bryan had to miss. He's joined the Navy Reserves, and we discovered the Wednesday before my dad was to arrive that Bryan had to drill that weekend. It was pretty disappointing. We hadn't seen my father in almost four years. But he was willing to make the six-hour drive down here to see us, and I was more that happy to show off his grandson. It was a pleasant visit, I didn't want to bring up the tough stuff, but that made for a lot of awkward silences. It was understandable, though. Four years is a long time, and a lot happens, but I didn't figure he wanted to hear about most of what was going on with my mom's family. We talked about his family, and what was going on with J.R. now and in the first weeks of his life. We discussed his job and Bryan's job, and that was about it. But I was really glad he came down. I really want J.R. to know all the members of my family. I'm hoping sometime soon to be able to make the trip up to see Daddy and my grandparents. They've not even met Bryan!

Since J.R. likes rocking so much, we recently bought a swing and a rocking chair so that he can be rocked to sleep as he likes. He hated his swing at first, but he's falling asleep in it more and more. He's almost to the point where he takes every daytime nap in it! He fusses a lot if I'm too far away, like if I'm in the kitchen or something. But if I'm in the living room cleaning, he'll just watch me until he falls asleep. It's a very odd feeling knowing I'm someone's entire world. I can't explain how it feels when J.R. will literally stare at me the entire time he's in his car seat. When he gets tired on car rides, he will literally stare at me until he falls asleep. It makes my heart do funny things. Sometimes I feel bad when J.R. cries and cries as someone else holds him, and quiets down immediately when I take him. Daddy actually managed to tough it out and got J.R. to fall asleep in his arms a couple times while he was here. I feel especially bad when J.R. does that to Bryan. That's the tough part about being the parent at home. I am J.R.'s entire world during the day. Bryan's a planet that shows up in late afternoon. It's a little rough, but I think it will get better as Bryan spends more and more time with him.

In the meantime, I try to play with J.R. when I can. I read to him while I'm nursing, and I try to talk to him as I'm doing random stuff around the house. I say try because it's hard just talking randomly, I usually keep my thoughts to myself. I feel a little foolish just talking to someone who has no idea what I'm saying, and who sure isn't going to talk back. I'll sit him on my lap and have "conversations" with him, because he is starting to chatter to us. But while I'm doing chores, the house is usually quiet. At least until I remember to talk to J.R.

Well, I think that's about it for now. Let me try to find some recent pictures of him to post. My digital camera's packed somewhere, so I haven't been taking pictures like I'd like to. But our camcorder has a camera function, so I'll likely just get the disc from in there. It'd be awesome if I could figure out how to post the videos I've taken. Hmmm, let me do some research...

Okay, I couldn't find a way to get just the individual videos on here, so this is a whole DVD worth, about 20 minutes of video. If you want to sit through it, be my guest. Enjoy!!!

Six Weeks Old!!!

Hello, all!

J.R. turned six weeks old yesterday, and things are going SO much better than even two weeks ago. I've lost a total of 25 pounds, and I can finally fit into my "fat" pre-pregnancy pants! I was so ecstatic when I could do that. My belly's smoother now than it was, though the dark brown lines haven't gotten any lighter.

Breastfeeding finally doesn't hurt anymore. Once in a while, J.R. will get mean and clamp down pretty hard, but he only does that occasionally. No more wincing in severe pain every time he latches on. The hardest part with latch-on now is getting him to keep his head still and open his mouth wide enough. He still falls asleep nursing, but I wake him up to burp, and he usually stays awake for about twenty minutes to half an hour after that. He still screams his little head off when he gets tired, though. That makes car rides incredibly nerve-wracking. He can and does scream for an entire ride. Bryan still doesn't like to hear him cry, so that makes him dread car rides. He seriously dreads going to any store or anything, because he doesn't want the baby's crying to disturb other shoppers.

Our poor little guy has a major issue with reflux and gas. He's refluxing during the day, and his gas wakes him up at night. So he sleeps upright on my chest or in the Snugli carrier during the day, and he gets Mylicon drops after his evening feeding to help with the gas. I also put his bed at an incline, so he's not completely horizontal while he sleeps. The reflux is much better, but the gas still gets bad in the middle of the night. It makes him squirm SO much while he's nursing. I hate it, because he arches his back and pulls on my nipples. It can get pretty painful. So I do what I can for his gas, moving his legs around to work out the gas during the day. There's not much I can do at night, since I need my sleep, too. I thought the reflux or the gas was what was making him cry so much during the day, but it's just that he gets tired and he needs help getting to sleep. So I'm getting better about his crying. He still has times when he will just cry and cry, but that's usually when I've either got him in the Snugli and can't rock him like he likes, or I've let him cry too long and he's gotten worked up. Only he doesn't cry so much as scream, like he's seriously mad. That gets very hard to deal with.

I'm coping, but I'm not sure how well. We've got a lot of stress right now, with moving and Bryan's job hunt and all. Plus, my house is a complete disaster after a month of no housework while I tended to a newborn. So I'm on a mad dash to try to get things organized before the movers get here. I've resigned myself to knowing that I'm not going to get it right, but I'm going to get the majority of it done. I've narrowed down my required chores to a few major ones. So I think as long as that's done, I'll be okay. At least we're not doing it ourselves. I would be SO stressed out, not being able to do anything because of a clingy baby. Even when I have him in the carrier, I still can't do much that involves a lot of bending down. That kills my back.

What I'm really nervous about is the two-day car trip we'll be making back home. I'm pumping as much as I can to have bottles available for when I can't feed him while driving. But I'm concerned about my milk supply. I also worry how Bryan's family, who is driving us, is going to deal with J.R.'s crying fits that I know will happen. When he gets tired, I know I'm not going to be able to rock him to sleep, so he'll scream until he gets tired enough to drift off on his own. I worry about how everyone else is going to handle it.

Anyway, that's about it for me for now. I got a clean bill of health from my doc at my six-week appointment. I got the go-ahead for sex, and a recommendation to get Gripe Water to help with J.R.'s gastric issues. So I'm gonna do a search to find out where I can get some.

TTFN!!!

J.R. and Me at One Month

Hello All!

It's really hard, rather, time-consuming to type one-handed, but that's whatcha gotta do when there's a baby asleep in the other one. Anyway, our little man is a month old today, and unfortunately, Bryan's on duty and can't be here today. But we celebrated with T.G.I. Friday's takeout last night. I wanted to go out so badly, but J.R.'s tendency to fight his sleep made that a not-so-pleasant prospect.

So here's the scoop: He's sleeping 3-4 hours at a time at night, which is nice. But after his 2am feeding, he likes to stay awake until his next feeding at four... ugh. But then he'll sleep until 7 or 8am. During the day, he eats about every two to three hours, then he'll be awake and alert for about twenty minutes. After that, he starts getting tired and will get to the point of all-out screaming. Bryan hates those times, it doesn't make sense to him why he would cry when he's tired instead of just going to sleep. I told him J.R. just can't get to sleep without help, via walking around the block or rocking. It is the worst at 5-6pm and 7-8pm. After eight, we're headed for bed. I'm averaging about six hours' sleep total, okay for now. Once in a while, I'll catch a nap in late afternoon, but not always.

So far, I'm not seeing any signs of postpartum depression, which is good, especially given JR's screaming sessions. Those can be horrendously frustrating, but I can deal with it better than Bryan right now. I know I'm not bonding with the baby like I think I should be, but my research says to give it time. It still hasn't hit me that he's mine and not going anywhere. I know it in my head, but haven't felt it in my heart, if you know what I mean.

Poor Bryan's feeling pretty overwhelmed. He had absolutely no prior experience with babies, and tries not to do too much with JR because he's afraid his inexperience will make Bryan mess up and possibly hurt JR. It really frustrated me that he didn't do much with him until I said something and Bryan told me what was going on.

I'm feeling pretty good physically, one of the reasons I wanted to go out to eat so badly. I still have some dull pain down below, and once in a while, I'll feel like my stitches are pulling, but most of the time, I feel pretty good. I've lost 23 pounds so far. I still can't fit into my "fat" pants comfortably. I'm wearing mostly maternity pants still, along with my sweats. I'm wearing bras that are 2 whole cup sizes bigger than I was before I got pregnant!!! Because of that, several of my shirts don't fit anymore, or they sit higher on my belly than I'm comfortable with. I still have a lot of extra skin and icky stretch marks I don't feel like showing off. But as long as my shirts are long enough, I'm in non-maternity shirts!!! I'm trying to avoid going out and buying any clothes just to have non-maternity ones that fit. I may have to, though, for my self-esteem. That remains to be seen. But, I was walking around the block with J.R. the other day, and some guy in a passing car called, "Hey, sexy!" Totally shot my self-esteem way up!!! And Bryan told me I should be a model, to show women that they can still look great after having a baby. That made me feel so awesome!!! So I'm feeling pretty good mentally, too. My only issue is feeling tied down by a baby that wants to be held all the time. I can't get any housework done, and it's a very rare thing when I actually want to do housework!

Anyway, here's pictures of JR and me, taken today. Isn't he just the handsomest little rake you ever did see?

My Postpartum Body

Hello again. I totally should be sleeping, but this post shouldn't take as long as the other one about J.R.

My weight: At two weeks postpartum, I've lost 20 pounds. I've still got a postpartum belly, and can't fit into any of my pre-pregnancy pants yet, but I'm okay with that right now. I can wear all of my shirts, though the ones that show off my belly I don't wear because of the extra skin and all the stretch marks. Some sit a little higher than they used to now...

My chest: I have grown two whole cup sizes! My back protested for the first couple of days because of the shift in where I'm carrying my weight. That's why my shirts ride a little higher than they used to. Some I can't wear at all because they are uncomfortably tight in the chest area. I also had some medical issues with my breasts in the first week after J.R. was born. Two nights after I got home from the hospital, I got a fever and chills so bad I was shaking uncontrollably. We called Labor and Delivery, and were told that I needed to take Tylenol and check on me again in an hour. The fever went down, but didn't break until later. When it did, I started sweating pretty bad, which I hated. The next morning, my fever was even higher, so I went to Urgent Care. They asked questions leading toward mastitis, but I didn't have any symptoms besides the fever, so they were worried about endometriosis. That was scary, because that used to cause maternal death before modern medicine, and that can cause sterility, even with modern medicine. So they ran tests, but we wouldn't get the results for two days. But when Bryan brought J.R. back to nurse, we noticed that my breasts were very red. The doctor was actually relieved, because that was a better diagnosis to get than endometriosis. So they gave me antibiotics, and told me to come back if I developed any other symptoms, and if my current symptoms didn't get better. I was back the next day, because I developed abdominal pain, and that made me scared that I did indeed have a uterine infection. They ran tests, and determined that I had an inflammation of my urinary tract, which was causing the pain. Those further tests also revealed that I did not have endometriosis, or appendicitis, which was another concern because of the abdominal pain.

My belly: The bulge goes away little by little every day. The stretch marks are fading, though very slowly. My linea negra hasn't gone away at all. I still get a little bit of internal pain every now and then, as my uterus contracts further and further. Other than that, I'm feeling pretty well.

My lower regions: J.R.'s birth gave me hemorrhoids! They aren't uncomfortable, thankfully. I didn't even know they were there until I got home. My internal stitches hurt for about a week after I got home, but they aren't so bad now. I still hurt a bit if I walk around too long during the day, but day to day isn't bad at all. Once in a while, it still hurts to sit down on anything hard. Tight-fitting undies or pants are out of the question.

Miscellaneous: While I was pregnant, I got a bunch of little red dots all over my face and chest, as well as some other places, like my hands and upper arms. Now, almost every one of them is completely gone, with no evidence that it was ever there. My swelling has also gone down everywhere except my hands. It takes a whole lot of work to get my wedding rings off. I did it just now for the first time, and it wasn't comfortable whatsoever.

I'm hoping to be able to fit into my "fat" pants by this time next month. Since walking is one of the things that calm J.R. down the best, he may help me along in that endeavor. I know breastfeeding will help with that as well. I'm glad I didn't give up on doing that. Bryan helped SO much with that. One day, I was so despondent, crying so hard from the pain, and seriously dreading each feeding, so Bryan made a trip to Babies 'R Us to get nipple shields and Lanolin cream to help. Unfortunately, using those made it very hard for J.R. to nurse without them when I had to do that at the hospital when I went back for the second time. So I deal with the horrid latch-on pain without the shields. I managed to pump for a couple feedings, but it's hard to find the time to do it and get a decent amount, and the pump pulled skin off my areola, so I haven't done it again. I will most likely try again soon, though. Breastfeeding makes it pretty impossible to go anywhere or do anything without bringing J.R. along, or having to make any trip a very short one.

Well, that's about it for what's going on with my postpartum body. I will add pictures of me soon, once I find the time to take one when I'm dressed. :)

TTFN!!!

J.R.'s First Days

Hello all, this post took longer to get to than I intended, but here it is. Life with a newborn is completely chaotic, especially when the newborn in question refuses to be put down unless sleeping very heavily.

Anyway, J.R. was a model baby in the hospital. He slept pretty well the first couple of nights, only fussing a little bit here and there in his sleep. Of course, I woke up every time he did, so I was completely exhausted, but I made it through. Breastfeeding was really rough, he actually ended up giving me a hickey, because I was totally unprepared for that aspect of motherhood. No one told me that it was going to hurt like the dickens every time he latched on, and it nearly made me give up. But I muddled my way through each feeding.

Bryan got to hold him quite a bit while we were in the hospital, which was nice. He did a lot of the diaper changes as well, and quite a bit of the burping as well. J.R. did spit up every now and then, a yellowish mucusy spitup, but I was told that was amniotic fluid that he'd swallowed in utero. He actually ended up choking on it one night because he tried so hard to swallow it again when he was spitting up. Luckily, a nurse came in to take my vital signs while he was doing it, and she whipped him up out of his bed (I was leaning over him, holding him on his side and patting him pretty hard on his back, waiting for him to either spit it all the way out or swallow it) and turned him over, pounding his back so hard I was sure she had to be hurting him. She got him breathing normally again, took my vitals and left again. It really shook me up. It was the middle of the night, and I was already exhausted from lack of sleep, as well as just being overwhelmed by all the new responsibilities, and I started bawling when the nurse left the room.

J.R. also ended up having to go to the nursery for a while, because two receiving blankets swaddled around him weren't enough to keep him warm in the freezing hospital. His temp dropped to 97.1, and they wanted it to be 97.4 or more. He wasn't there for long, but it just added to my emotional upheaval. But the worst part came when J.R. wouldn't wake up for a feeding one night. He was sleeping really well, and I couldn't get him to wake up, he was sleeping so deeply, so I let him sleep. My nurse came in the next morning, and checked the sheet where we had to record when and for how long he breastfed each time. She asked when he'd eaten last, and I told her, and she got really concerned. She proceeded to give me a lecture on being very sure that we woke J.R. up for feeding no later than three hours after the last feeding. She pulled out a sheet that was on J.R.'s chart that we were supposed to read, but hadn't been told about. No one told us that we absolutely HAD to wake him up no matter what. Then the pediatrician came in later and told us the same thing, only in a much nicer way. I really liked him. We were told the same thing by a couple different people after that as well. I felt so incredibly horrible, and cried so hard. I was pretty peeved once I calmed down, because first of all, no one had told us about this sheet that we were supposed to read, and secondly, the only breastfeeding instruction I got was when I tried to feed J.R. for the very first time. All I was told at that time was how to get him latched on, and how long I needed to feed him on each side. One of the nurses had read us the first part of the instruction sheet we were given, but that had to do with the crib they had him in, and the safety rules surrounding it and his security clasp on his umbilical stump. J.R. lost about 7.6% of his birthweight while he was in the hospital, and the nurses made it sound like it was because he'd gone six hours between feedings. They managed to make me feel completely and totally inadequate as a mother, and like I was a horrible person, starving my child.

The nurse who helped deliver J.R. came to visit me one night (she worked the 7pm to 7am shift Friday to Sunday), and I broke down in front of her. I told her about all the issues with J.R., the lectures over his feeding, his weight loss, the choking incident (which happened right before she came in), and his temperature drop. She told me to look at J.R. and see how content he was. She told me I was a great mom, and he was doing fine, I shouldn't worry too much. She told me to feel free to put J.R. in the nursery for a little while if I needed time or sleep, and they'd bring him to me when it was time for him to eat. She really helped me feel SO much better after all the drama over his feeding gap, weight loss, and choking. I cried so hard after she left, but this time, it was tears of relief. I can't tell you how tired I was while I was in the hospital. It was so hard to watch Bryan sleeping so nicely in the chair they had in my postpartum room. I had to do everything in the middle of the night, because Bryan slept so deeply that I couldn't wake him up to help me out. I was so jealous.

But anyway, this is supposed to be about J.R., not me. After we came home, J.R.'s wonderful sleeping habits went completely out the window. Where he slept in his hospital crib just fine, he pretty much refused to sleep in his bed at home. He ended up sleeping on my chest for the majority of the night the first several nights. By the time he would get to a point where he was sleeping deeply enough for me to put him in his bed, I was so tired that I'd fallen asleep myself.

It took nearly a week to decipher the baby's cries. It was incredibly frustrating, because as soon as he would finish eating, he would be crying, and acting like he was hungry again. We tried a pacifier, but he was very ineffective at keeping it in his mouth, and to add, it made him not latch on correctly for breastfeeding for a day or so afterwards. About the only thing that would pacify him would be to put him back to the breast. That hurt so badly that I broke down, and very nearly gave up breastfeeding altogether. I finally realized that his cries were different before a feeding than they were after, and that after a feeding, he needed to either burp more or go to sleep. Only now, over two weeks later, are we finally getting into a sort of routine of feeding, burping, and sleeping.

J.R. already is showing traits of each of his parents. Physically, he's got my hair and face shape, and Bryan's chin and feet. He takes forever to fall asleep, like I do, but once he's out, he's out, and it takes a freight train to wake him, like his dad. Luckily, J.R. did not inherit my digestive issues, like my projectile vomiting and milk allergy. But oh, boy, does he have some loud gas!!! He certainly already passes gas like a man! And when he has a bowel movement, everyone knows it, it gets so loud.

The poor kid can't seem to get to sleep without being held and rocked. He fell asleep on his own in the hospital, but he hasn't done it even once here at home. But we're getting better about getting him to sleep. Taking him outside to walk around with him will do it if rocking him doesn't do the trick. Going for a drive works pretty well, too. He'll sit in his car seat and go to sleep, but he won't sit in his rocker chair in the house. I don't get it, but I deal with it. I can't get much done that takes two hands to do, except times like now, when he's down for the night. I should be sleeping, but I'm getting a little more sleep at night, since he's sleeping in his bed for two to three hours at a time after each feeding. Plus, I know I can make it up during the day if I need to, though he only sleeps about an hour per feeding during the day. He's actually staying awake longer and longer during the day. He nearly always falls asleep nursing, but wakes up when I burp him.

Wow, this has gotten really really long already. I'll end it here, and add pictures.

TTFN!!!

HE'S HERE!!! Full Birth Story

Hello all, we have big news: Jennings Randall Lesher was born at 10:49pm on Friday, June 22nd at Langley Air Force Base Hospital in Hampton VA. Here's the story:

My doctor had made an appointment with the labor & delivery floor for me to have a non-stress test done. It would monitor his heartbeat and his movements to see how his heart reacted when he moved. So we got there, got hooked up, and Doctor Leis came in to check on me. She watched the monitor for a bit, then told us that she didn't like what she saw. His heartbeat baseline was in the high 110's, and they wanted it to be in the 130's or 140's. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable sending me home. She patted my leg and said, "You're staying to have a baby." We totally didn't expect to be staying when we walked in that morning. We already had the labor and diaper bags with us, but we hadn't made arrangements for our animals. A little while later, the doc came back in and broke my water. I was three centimeters dilated when she started, and four when she was finished. She said she'd come back to check my progress in two hours. So Bryan took that time (after a little reassurance that I'd be fine) to go home and drop off the housekey with the neighbor. He came back shortly after, in plenty of time (we don't live more than 20 minutes away from the hospital). I started feeling much stronger contractions, but they weren't too bad. When my two hours were up, I was 5 centimeters dilated. Doctor Leis said that if I wasn't at 7 in another two hours, they were going to start Pitocin, and chemically induce labor. When those (steadily more painful) two hours were up, I was somewhere between 5 and 6 centimeters dilated. So they started Pitocin, only a small dose, and the anesthesiologist came in and put in my epidural. I started shaking pretty heavily once it started, which made both Bryan and me nervous. But once everyone left, and I was able to relax, the shaking stopped. Now it was just a waiting game for me to dilate. We watched a LOT of tv during that time, and slept as much as we could. I watched the monitor screens a lot to watch JR's heartbeat as well as my contractions. I could feel when I had one, but I wasn't feeling any pain. About 7 or 7:30, the nurse came in and said it was time to start pushing. It took me a while to figure out how to push effectively, but my nurse turned off my epidural so that I could feel my contractions better. She got scolded by my doctor, but I was glad she did it. I still didn't feel any pain, but I could feel my legs more, and was able to feel my progress. It got tons easier when I finally felt his head as he was crowning. Bryan was wonderful the whole time, getting me water and chapstick, and holding the bowl when I had to vomit. That happened when the nurse wanted me to try pushing on my side, but my body didn't agree. Pushing was rough, mostly because it took so long for me to figure out how to push effectively, and because I couldn't feel that I was making any progress, and that was really discouraging. But when Bryan told me he could see JR's head, that was the best encouragement ever! And then Nurse Laurel (awesome nurse) had me reach down and feel his head when it was about halfway out. Between those two, I got the extra mental push I needed. I couldn't feel when his head came out, but I felt his shoulder come out, and could tell when the midwife pulled the rest of him out. When I saw him, I just started bawling, from relief that my work was done, and from the sheer beauty of the moment. Over nine months of waiting had rewarded us with this perfect being. Bryan cut the cord, and they placed him on my chest to clean him off. I remember saying, "He's so heavy!" I kept looking up at Bryan, thinking, We did it, we really did it...

So, 14 hours after we arrived at the hospital, and with three hours of pushing, Jennings Randall Lesher was born. I considered it an easy labor, and a relatively easy delivery. It was a relief, because after such an easy pregnancy, I thought I'd have a horrendous labor and/or delivery. As it was, the lady next door to me apparently had a horrible experience. As JR's head was just starting to crown, the nurses were hedging bets on who would deliver first. I guess she was just as close as I was. But as I got closer and closer to delivering, I could hear her crying. Nurse Laurel said she was panicking, she didn't want to have a bowel movement on the table, so she wasn't pushing right. Even though she had an epidural, she was still crying that it hurt really badly. I also heard her trying to give up, saying she couldn't do it. JR was born at 10:49pm, her baby was born at 1:04am the next morning. I was really proud of myself for never giving up, or even thinking of it. I was determined to get that baby out. I do remember thinking that he never wanted to come out, because he sure was taking his time.

It wasn't the birth experience I had hoped for, but it turned out for the better. I didn't want an induction, because I knew that inductions make contractions worse. I wanted to try to have him without an epidural as well, because I wanted to prove that I was strong enough. Women have had babies medication-free for generations, and I'd been told that a med-free birth gives us an enormous Superwoman feeling. But at the end, I told Bryan I was really glad I'd had the epidural, because I didn't think I could have dealt with the pain had I not. It would have been really hard to push through that kind of pain. But I knew that if I'd had to be chemically induced, I wanted the epidural. So it did turn out for the better, because I don't think I would have been given much of a choice about being induced. I told the Doctor I didn't want an induction, but if that's what it took to have a healthy baby, I didn't have a problem with it.


I just realized that I forgot JR's stats in the email I sent out. He weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 20 and 3/4 inches long. He got an Apgar score of 9 at one minute old, and 9 at five minutes old. The highest a baby can get is ten, and it's incredibly rare that it happens that way. So he was doing great. The nurse did note that for being overdue, he still had a lot of cheesy vernix on him. Babies are supposed to lose more and more of that the longer they go past 40 weeks. I've noticed that he has a lot of that lanugo "fur" still yet, too. So apparently, he was right on time for him.

But like I said, Bryan was great, absolutely wonderful the whole time. He got my water when I wanted it, got my chapstick when the nurse advised against drinking any more. He helped me push, his voice was the one I focused on when he was counting for me. He helped me push through contractions when my nurse wasn't there. He was so encouraging, telling me how great I was doing, how proud of me he was. I'd never loved him more.

Here are some pictures:

Picture 1: Just after they got him cleaned up and Apgar scores taken, so he was about five to ten minutes old at that point. Doesn't Bryan just look so proud? :)
Picture 2: Taken with my camera phone while we were in our postpartum room.
Picture 3: These were taken right after we got home, three days after he was born. This was his going home outfit. His hat says Boob Man, though you can't tell. He was hungry when we got home, so I couldn't get a good picture of him.
Picture 4: I love when he's awake and alert like this. I get this after burping, when his belly's full, but he's been woken up. He's all content, but very alert.

That's all for this post. Still to come: JR's first days; My postpartum body

Officially Overdue

Hello all. So here it is, 4:30am on June 14th, and I'm still pregnant. ***Sigh...*** I went for my 40 week checkup on Tuesday, I'd dilated another half a centimeter, and I am 75% effaced, so at least I'm making progress. But at half a centimeter a week, he'll be here in another month... I'd been having a good amount of Braxton-Hicks contractions that I knew were the reason for the progression. After that appointment, though... I've been having lots more, much more regular, and starting to get painful. Sunday night, I was driving home from leading my mom to where she's staying for the week when I ended up in so much pain I was in tears. It didn't feel like contractions, really, but the pain would peak and ebb, so I wasn't sure. I called Bryan to let him know, since I was supposed to pick up dinner on the way in, and told him that if this kept up after I got home, we were going to the hospital. Within ten minutes of getting home, I was perfectly fine. Tuesday night, the night after my appointment, I went to bed at eight (I was SO tired), and woke up at 9:30 from a "I went into labor and was rushing around getting everything together" dream, and having contractions that lasted over two hours. Some were painful, some weren't, and they averaged 7.5 minutes apart. But they went away (darn) and I went back to sleep. I woke up again about 3am from a "My baby's coming, I'm not gonna make it to the hospital, having a home birth" dream, and again having contractions. These didn't last nearly as long, but they were a bit stronger. So I went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am from a "I had my baby in the hospital, all is well and I love him to death" dream. No contractions this time. I let the dog out to use the bathroom, checked my email and pregnancy message board, and went back to sleep at 9. I got woke up at 11:30 by the phone. It was officially my due date, and this was the first "Have you had that baby yet?" phone call. I got two yesterday. My mom got two or three. I'm actually surprised that I didn't get more, or emails. Pleasantly so, of course. I'm impatient, yes, but having reminders like that make the waiting that much worse. Like I told my mom and Bryan, when Junior decides to grace us with his presence is between God and him, and there's nothing we can do about it. I'm just really hoping he comes in the next couple of days. I'm so tired of these false alarms. Yesterday we went to the resort where my mom is staying to hang out with her and my brother instead of them driving here. On the way back, I started getting menstrual-type cramps and lower back pain at the same time. The back pain never really went away, but the cramps would come and go, and most certainly would peak and ebb. It wasn't nearly as painful as the stuff going on Sunday night, but I was definitely having contractions, I could feel my belly tightening up. These were stronger than any I'd felt before, and I got them several times within an hour. Bryan's mom called while we were on the road back, and when he described what was going on with me, she told him that's what his sister did two days before she went into full-blown labor. It kinda made him nervous. But again, shortly after I got home, they went away. I just read that the current theory on what gets labor to start being stress hormones causing muscle tension in the uterus, and that leads to contractions, which subsequently lead to labor. I'm thinking that may be right in my case. It seems that when I get home and relax, all these contractions go away. But Tuesday night's stuff really got me nervous, because Junior shifted his position. I can normally feel his rear end under my ribs on the right side, and that's where he seems most comfortable. That night, he moved to where his rear was right in the middle of my belly, into birthing position. Really got me wondering if it was time to be making phone calls. During the time I was having all those contractions, I got up, moved around, cleaned my kitchen, and when they still didn't go away, I came back to the couch and laid on my side. That's when they stopped. These false alarms are driving me nuts. I really don't want to go to the hospital until I'm fairly certain that what I'm feeling is true labor. I know that if I go in and it's not, I'm going to be SO horribly disappointed. So when these contractions start up, I time them the best I can, and if they last more than a couple hours, and get stronger in that time frame, then I'll get Bryan and head to the hospital. So far, none of my contractions have lasted for longer than an hour, save for the two hours on Tuesday night.

But I did get another sign of impending labor Wednesday. For those of you who are squeamish, I'd suggest skipping this paragraph. I lost my mucous plug. I thought I'd lost part of it last week. Boy was I wrong. It's hard to describe what I found when I went to the bathroom about noon yesterday. It was long and sticky, looked like snot and moved like jelly. It was clear except for a spot of blood at each end. It came out in two parts. I don't know if it was the entire thing or not, I have no idea how big it is to begin with. But it came up on the toilet paper, and I very nearly took a picture of it. But it was too disgusting. I reached down again, and up came still more! It was smaller, but still had the same consistency and color, complete with the spot of blood at one end. When I told my mom about it, she told me that she never saw hers with any of us three kids. Bryan just asked what it meant. I told him it meant that my cervix had opened up enough for that to fall out, and that it meant I was making progress. From the research I did on it, it doesn't mean labor's right around the corner, but it is something to note and mention to the doctor on the next visit.

Speaking of the doctor, I saw a doctor on Tuesday, not a nurse practitioner. There wasn't really much difference. She was really nice, and gentle with my exam. She asked a couple times whether we had any questions. Almost all of my questions were answered by the nurse last week. Did I write about last week's appointment? I'll check, and if not, I may put up another post. Eh, no need for another post. I'll just edit this one, there wasn't much to tell anyway. Anyway, the doc told me that I had two choices: I could schedule an appointment for next week, or I could be put on the induction book for eight days from Tuesday. I figured, my mom's going to be gone either way, might as well let him come when he wants to come. So I chose the appointment. She made my appointment for the 21st. Most of the time, we are the ones who have to go to the appointment desk and make our own appointments, so the fact that she did it for me was pretty cool. But she came back in and told me when my appointment was, and that if I hadn't delivered by then, she figured I'd want to talk induction at that visit. Who knows? I'm pretty comfortable physically right now. Emotionally, I'm a rollercoaster, but I'm doing my best. Anyway, somehow we got on the subject of helping things along as far as labor goes. And this doctor comes right out and tells us to have sex!!! I was thinking, OH MY GOODNESS, DID SHE REALLY JUST SAY THAT??? No attempt at tact whatsoever, just point-blank, out there, blatantly tells us to have sex. I don't know why I was so shocked, she is a doctor after all, but still, it shocked me. Bryan says I turned beet red. I don't embarrass easily, but for some reason, that did it.

Anyway, so here I sit, 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I just know I'm going to be fielding phone calls for the next couple days until he comes, "Are you still pregnant?", "Is that baby here yet?", "You STILL haven't delivered?" I just tell myself, they say first time moms are late the majority of the time, and boys tend to be late, too, so I get a double dose, he'll come when he's good and ready, apparently he just wants to cook a little longer. Physically, I'm pretty comfortable. The worst part right now is trying to sleep. I can't seem to sleep any longer than four hours, no matter what time I go to bed. I went to sleep at ten last night, and lo and behold, I was awake just after 2am, with contractions. If I go to bed at midnight, I'm awake at four. This morning, I laid in bed counting contractions. They weren't really timeable again, the same crampy pain with lower back pain, but I counted how many I had over a certain period of time and averaged it out. This morning, it was nine contractions in 45 minutes. They didn't last any longer than that. They were five minutes apart, so if they'd lasted two hours or more and gotten stronger, I would have been waking Bryan up. As it is, all my moving around trying to get comfortable woke him up anyway, so I got up and went downstairs. He really needed his sleep. But another issue yesterday and lingering into today is my swollen feet. They got pretty swollen yesterday afternoon, and at eight last night, I couldn't walk on my left foot without pain. So I propped my feet up on my mom's coffee table, and we talked about watching a movie, but Bryan was SO tired, and we needed to let the dog out anyway, so we went ahead and went home. I have a couple blankets on the bed that are folded up to where I can put my feet up on them, so I went to bed shortly after we got home. I think the swelling went down overnight, but now that I've been up and around again, they've swollen back up nearly to the same degree as they were. I know my left foot's starting to hurt. I may end up calling the nurse's line to see if Epsom salts will hurt me any. I'll stick my foot in ice water first, see if that does any good. I'll probably end up bringing my blankets downstairs onto the couch, so I'm not stuck in bed all day, bored out of my mind. I could sleep, but I made up a lot of my sleep Tuesday night. It was heavily interrupted, but I still got more than four hours. Oh, I think I feel more contractions coming on, so I'd better end this.

Oh, last week's doctor's visit, if I already posted about this, just disregard. The nurse was really nice, she answered all my questions, didn't rush me at all, and asked plenty of her own. She checked my cervix, I was a "solid" one centimeter dilated. She didn't tell me if I was thinning out or not. That's basically the majority of what happened.

Anyway, I need to get another bottle of water, put my feet up, and see if these contractions decide to continue. They seem to have gone away just in the short time I've been writing. Five minutes never seemed so long... I keep thinking the contractions have stopped, and I'll look at my watch and realize it's only been four minutes since the last one. It's crazy.

TTFN!!!

This week's issues

I realized most of my previous post, I talked mostly about what was going on outside my body in my world. For those of you who want to know, here's what's been going on with my ginormously huge *grin* body. (Bryan considers himself a very lucky husband, since I've not had any self-esteem "I'm so fat" issues)

I'll start at my head and work my way down. My hair: It's grown SO much. I finally broke down and got a couple inches taken off about a week ago. I hate getting my hair cut. But I want to use my Glamour Shots gift card that Bryan got me for Valentine's Day, and my hair looked horrible with all the split ends and stuff. But it looks much better now, even though I'm still trying to get used to the suddenness with which my ponytail ends. My eyes: I've noticed that when my eyes are tired, I'll see ghost outlines of everything. I'll move my hand across my line of vision, and it'll look like there's a strand of my hair stuck on the outside of my hand. It's really weird and horribly annoying at times. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, I kept looking for that strand of hair to take off my hand. I also have horrendous dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I have them normally anyway, because of wearing glasses, but the glasses themselves usually hid them. Now I can see them under my glasses and it bugs me. My nose: I've been more stuffed up lately, but I think it's weather-induced, it's been really warm here, and I'm sure that the pollen counts are sky-high. I don't really have much in the way of allergies, but I'm still slightly affected. My chest: Amazingly enough, I actually can still wear my B-cup bras. I can't wear them for too long, though, because the 34 part is too small. Bras in general right now are really uncomfortable because of the area on my stomach that my bosom rests on when I'm sitting. Junior loves to push his feet in that area, and I could swear there's a hernea there. It's horribly sensitive from both the inside and the outside. It hurts really badly when Junior pushes there with his feet, and also when it's touched from the outside. It's the worst on the right side, so I've started trying to make sure that I sleep leaning toward my left, so he doesn't get comfortable with his feet in such a painful spot. It's worked well so far. My lower stomach: I'm an OUTIE!!! It's so funny to see, because you can see my belly button poking out when I wear certain shirts. Because of where I had a belly button ring, I have this funny-looking arc over my belly button. (o That's what it looks like if you tilt your head to the left. Anyway, I also have some serious stretch marks on my belly now. I didn't have any until around 34 weeks along. Then they were all too low on my belly for me to see them except in a mirror. Now they've crept up and seem to be radiating out from my belly button. They don't bother me right now, but I can foresee the big possibility that they will really get to me after Junior's born. I loved my pre-pregnancy figure and loved wearing bikinis to show it off. I might be less inclined to do so with such horrid stretch marks. I also have them on my hips and upper thighs, all the way around, but those I'm less concerned with. They don't cover such an expansive area, and they're already starting to lessen as I quit gaining weight (finally). I've gained right at 40 pounds now. I shouldn't gain any more for the rest of the pregnancy. I might actually lose some of it since the baby should be fully developed and my body doesn't need all the extra stuff anymore. My feet: Because it's been so hot and humid here lately, with the Tropical Storm Barry around and all, my feet have started to swell again. My hands have too, I can't move my wedding rings. So I try to keep my feet elevated as much as I can. It's too hot to wear my support hose and especially my tube sox, so I just keep my feet elevated and try to keep cool indoors.

Temperature control: Ugh, my body is going nutso right now on temperature control. This last month or so, I've been getting so over-warm! This is SO not like me. Normally, I'm shivering at any temperature less than 70 in the house. Right now, we have our thermostat set at 65. Bryan is loving it because he's almost always too warm at anything above 70. But even still, when I go to bed, I sweat buckets. It may be gross, but I actually was waking up several times the other night thinking my water had broken, because I had my legs together, sleeping on my side, and where the skin met had been sweating profusely. I HATE it! I'm not used to sweating like that, I never used to. I never used to feel as over-warm as I have been, either. It's probably wreaking havoc on our electric bill, but we're both comfortable. I broke down and moved our fan back into the bedroom. We had it out on the landing at the top of the stairs to circulate the air and make room in the bedroom for Junior's bed. It's really in the way right now, but I didn't get nearly as uncomfortable and sweaty the past two nights, so it was worth it.

Emotional issues: Like I said earlier, I haven't really had any of the "I feel like such a fat cow/whale" issues. I know why my body is like it is, and the extra weight and stretch marks are the sacrifice I make for being able to have this little miracle of ours. But I've been thinking more and more about my post-pregnant body, and wondering if I'll be wearing my maternity clothes forever after he's born. As I said, I loved my pre-pregnant figure, and really would like to get that back. I know it's not going to happen immediately by any means, but I'm hoping to be able to wear my complete pre-pregnant wardrobe by the time he's six months old. I really don't want to have to go out and buy a new wardrobe, as much as I love to shop. We don't really have the finances to do that, with the baby and the move and all, so I'd end up wearing maternity clothes for a while longer. But there is hope. The way I'm carrying and the fact that I plan to breastfeed will both contribute to getting my figure back fairly quickly. In other emotional issues, I think I'm done freaking out about Junior coming early. I've been in early labor for three weeks now, as my cervix is dilating and such (ugh, Junior's got the hiccups... it gets annoying after a while), and that had me really worried that he would come early and I wouldn't have a mommy there. I told Bryan that I just wanted a mommy person that I knew to be there to talk me through labor, but he didn't believe me. He doesn't think I'd be satisfied with anyone other than my own mommy. But that's another can of worms. Anyway, for some reason, after my appointment on Wednesday, I was much more at ease about him coming early. I really think that he could come today (Friday) and I would be okay. With all the drama surrounding Bryan and my mom right now, I almost wonder if it wouldn't be for the best if he did come when she wasn't here. I'm really wondering if Bryan's not jealous of the relationship I have with my mom. I don't know, but he brought up being pushed aside again the other night, and had me really depressed the day after. My mom's a pretty understanding person, and if you tell her nicely that you need some alone time, or in Bryan's case, alone time with me, she'd be fine with that. She might be disappointed that she can't share in that time, but she'd be okay with it. Bryan isn't sure he believes me when I tell him that. The worst part is that I can't really prove it to him until the time comes. He's honestly got me really concerned about what this baby's delivery is going to be like. Here I was stressing over my mom and dad being around each other for the first time in years (they've been divorced for over 10 years and don't like each other very much), and I'd finally gotten over that, and now I'm worried about my two best friends in the world getting bad blood between them. I don't want this baby's birth to end up tainted because of this. Heck, I'm even considering doing this completely alone, no Bryan, no mom. Kick them out of the room, and try not to think about it anymore. Bryan would never forgive me, but I would really really really go off the deep end if he and my mom ended up not getting along. He's such an independent person, and he can't understand the relationship I have with my mom. She's been my best friend my entire life until he came along, and now I have two best friends. He makes me feel like he wants me to rely solely on him, but I can't do that. I better stop this before I work myself into a tizzy. I'll have to talk to him about it when he gets home from work. He's not going to like it, but it needs to be taken care of before my mom gets here. This keeps up, and it's going to be bad for everyone. Especially me.

Better go.

TTFN!!!

Hopefully the next installment will be a birth story!!!

I'm Dilating... and Waiting... and Waiting

Hello all! Very pregnant me, checking in! We are 39 weeks along today and a solid 1 centimeter dilated. I went last Wednesday for my 38-week checkup and had my cervix checked, I was one centimeter dilated. The nurse checking me had to go around the baby's head to find my cervix, that's how low he is in my pelvic cavity. As hard as she was pushing, it felt like she was trying to push the baby out my nose!!! When she finished, she seemed all excited that she had blood on her fingers... bloody show, they call it. If I had seen that without having an internal exam, it would have meant that labor was just around the corner. I tell you what, Junior did not appreciate all the poking around she was doing! While she was examining me, he was kicking all over the place. He doesn't seem to like being pushed around in there. He did the same thing when I was checked at 36 weeks to see if his head was down.

I went in for my 39-week checkup today. I've been having contractions every day, just one or two here and there, but I was afraid I was going to be dilated a lot because of them. A week's worth of contractions starting at 37 weeks was enough to get me to one centimeter. I don't want him to be late, but I want him to at least wait until my mom is able to be here. She's driving in on Sunday afternoon. I really want her to be here, so she can tell me what's going on with my body during labor. She went through labor with all three of us kids, even though she only went through natural delivery with one of us. For delivery, it's going to be just me and Bryan, but I'm going to have lots of coaching for that. Bryan's done his reading, although we should probably practice here and there on the breathing techniques. As far as labor goes, though, I know the nurses will likely be in and out during that, at least until I get dilated to a certain amount.

Anyway, I really liked the nurse I saw today. I've seen someone different pretty much every time I've been in for an appointment, but that's par for the course in a military hospital. I think I've actually only seen a doctor once, the rest of the time, it's been nurse practitioners. I know I'm seeing a doctor for my next appointment (if he doesn't come before then). But the nurse I saw today saw that I had a list, and was actually glad I was asking questions. She didn't seem like she was rushing me or anything. She answered all of my questions and asked plenty of her own. She quizzed me on when I should call Labor and Delivery, signs of labor to look for, and bad things to call immediately about. I asked her about estimating Junior's weight, because I know the weight thresholds that gave my mom trouble during delivery, and I wanted to better prepare myself for the possibility of a C-section if he was too big. So she felt around him and said that she estimated his weight to be about 7 and 1/2 pounds. That's a good weight. Of course I don't know her track record on how often she is right about that kind of thing or how far off she is on those kinds of estimates, but still, it gave me a little bit of peace of mind. She checked my cervix, much more gently than last time, and told me that I was still a one... "wow, a very solid one." She thought that maybe the last nurse was "giving me grace" when she said I was one centimeter, but she figured she must be wrong. So I may be closer to two centimeters, but still, not that far progressed. She didn't say whether I was effaced at all, though. She did tell me that the results of my Group B Strep test came back negative, which is good. I had the test done, but no one had given me the results yet. She told me what I needed to do to get pre-admitted, so that I don't have to worry about paperwork when I come into the hospital in full-blown labor. So I got that done.

I finally started packing our bags for the hospital. The diaper bag thingy that Bryan picked out came in the mail yesterday, so I could pack the bag for the baby. Here's a picture:

I was pretty skeptical about it, since I want a sling carrier for the baby. We didn't get a traditional car seat that comes in and out of the vehicle, instead opting for one that can be used from birth to 80lbs or so. I didn't want to have to lug it around all the time. But we needed something to carry Junior around in besides our arms all the time. But I was worried that this Baby Bandolier, as it's called, would interfere with carrying the baby in a sling. We'll find out when the sling comes in the mail. I was also worried that it wouldn't hold everything we'd need for Junior, but I just packed it today, and it does wonderfully.

In other news, we just installed the car seat. Bryan being a guy, he didn't want to use the instruction manual, which really frustrated me since this is such a huge safety issue, but he was already frustrated about the whole thing in general. He is under the impression that we're going to have to bring the car seat into the hospital for them to look at it. So he wasn't really thrilled about going to the trouble of installing it now just to have to uninstall it at the hospital and re-install it. So I just stood back and handed out advice as I dared. He finally got it installed, and got it level. It took about 45 minutes, but the worst part is that I know it's not completely right. I will probably go get the car seat's instruction manual later and take a look at it. That's how we did with Junior's bed; I did the manual reading while he did the manual labor. One of our biggest worries with the seat was that it would be too wide to fit all three of us comfortably and safely in our little three-seat pickup. We'd had experience with car seats in our truck with Julie, the little girl I babysit for, but we were concerned that the seat we'd bought would be wider than any of hers had been. It actually wasn't. We both fit in the truck with the car seat okay. Of course, it's not completely comfortable, but it wasn't horrible.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to end this mini-novella here and go get the car seat manual. It's getting dark, so we won't fix it tonight, but it will be good to know. We won't fix it tomorrow either, unless I drive him to work. He's on duty tomorrow. But I still want to get it right before Junior gets here, of course. Now we're just hoping that the hospital will come out to the truck to check the seat instead of having us bring it in. Hoping... hoping... hoping...

Wish me luck on this baby coming on time!

TTFN!!!

Here's the pictures I promised:

The difference in what I look like between these two pictures is amazing. You have to look close to see I'm pregnant in the first one, but I'm as big as a house in the second... Interesting...

Full Term Today!!! Only 3 Weeks Left!!!

Hi, all! Today is Wednesday, May 23rd, and at 37 weeks today, our baby is considered full term. Of course, I've been telling him that he doesn't need to come anytime soon, he needs to wait until his grandparents get here. :) Things have been going well, besides sleeping. I think, as time draws ever nearer, I get more and more anxious. I don't know how I'm going to know when I'm going into labor, I am most certainly nervous about the pain, and until a few days ago, we didn't have everything we needed for our little man. I'm most worried that he'll be late, and I won't have my mom with me during labor. If he's early, she can come as soon as she finds out that he's on his way, but there's still no guarantee that she'll make it on time. I feel like a little girl again, wanting to hold my mom's hand as I walk into kindergarten or get a shot for the first time. But those are the mental things keeping me awake at night. Then there's the heartburn. Last week, I had a 3-day reprieve from the heartburn, barely had any at all, was even able to sleep on my side like I prefer. After that, though, it seems to never end! I feel it nearly all the time, and the worst part is that nothing seems to work. Tums just aren't cutting it anymore. I try milk, as a natural antacid, but I can only drink so much, and lately I really haven't been wanting it. I had been eating ice cream about an hour before I went to bed, and that had helped for a while, but that stopped being effective as well. I could handle it during the day, because I could change positions pretty easily to lessen the impact. But at night, I didn't want to be moving around all the time and disturbing Bryan. Lying on my back was the best for the heartburn, but it was getting to where that wasn't comfortable for some reason. Lying on my side was more physically comfortable, but that let the heartburn flare up in a big way. I found myself cursing my childhood gastroesophageal disorder that made it to where my heartburn gets this bad. The sphincter at the end of my esophagus, which regulates what goes in and out of my stomach in that direction, is dysfunctional. Normally, it doesn't bother me, I get a little acid reflux now and again, but otherwise, it's fine. But with pregnancy hormones relaxing my muscles and my uterus pushing up on my stomach, it's a recipe for disaster. I say this so that the people reading this who have yet to have kids realize that my heartburn is more severe than normal, and not to expect to experience it like I have.

But anyway, my mental worries and the heartburn have been keeping me awake. My lack of sleep has been turning me into a major grouch. It got so bad that I decided I was going to start sleeping on the couch. It's incredible comfortable, because I can sleep in a reclined position with the back support I don't get in the bed. But when it came time for Bryan to go to bed, we both realized that we really didn't want that. Neither of us wanted him to go to bed alone. I told him there was one more thing we could try. We had to simulate the couch sleeping position. He jumped on it, because he had been contemplating how he could sleep on the couch, or bringing blankets and pillows down and sleeping on the floor next to me. I wanted to cry, he was being so sweet... But we put my body pillow up against the wall, and piled blankets and pillows behind my head. I brought one of the pillows from the couch to add to the pile. After a few adjustments, it was pretty close. After a few more, it was great. It wasn't like the couch as far as where my rear was, you can't make your mattress softer unless you have one of those Sleep Numbers or something, but it was good enough to where I was comfortable. And it worked! I got more sleep that night than I had in a week. But I still had heartburn. So yesterday, I went to see my doctor for some Zantac. And last night, I slept through the night for the first time in two weeks! It was really nice.

Now to talk about the doctor's visits. Monday was my 36 week visit with the OB. I was due for my Group B strep test. If they found the strep bacteria around my vagina, the baby would need antibiotics for it when he was born. So the doctor got one of those gigantically long Q-tip things and took a swab of the outer rim of my vagina. It hurt at first, because my body didn't produce any natural lubrication. Once it did, it was fine. She asked questions about the baby's movements, if I was having any Braxton-Hicks, and birth control postpartum. The baby's been moving like crazy, I haven't been having Braxton-Hicks very much in the last week or so, and I was planning to use the three-month supply of my Evra patch for birth control. The doctor said that if I'm breastfeeding, I shouldn't use anything with estrogen at least until my 6-week postpartum checkup, because it could interfere with milk supply. She actually suggested the Nuva-Ring that I'd been hearing about on TV. She showed me how it was used, and said that out of all the estrogen birth control methods, it has the lowest amount. I still have some questions about its use, but I might go ahead and look into getting it. It still seems a bit messy to me, especially putting it back in after the week without it is over, but I have plenty of time for that. I asked her about elective induction, where I would have labor induced when I wanted. She told me that they don't do that at that hospital, mainly because they are really busy. But induction when the body's not ready increases the incidence of needing a C-section, and can actually make labor longer and worse than it would be normally. Of course, she asked why I wanted to know. I wanted to know about doing that so that if Junior doesn't want to come when my mom's here, I can be induced to make sure that he does. But that's not a good enough reason for the hospital to do that for me. Can you tell that I want my mom here?

Bryan's starting to get nervous, too. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do in the labor room besides hold my hand. So I had him read the section about labor and how the coach can help in the pregnancy book the hospital gave us. I also looked up information on www.babycenter.com and www.americanbaby.com for him to read. I know he read the book, but I don't know about the websites. I may still stop by the library and get him something to read through. I told him we could practice if he wants to. I've been practicing some breathing techniques here and there, but there are still some things I want to go over with him, like relaxation options he can help with, and what my focus or focal point is going to be. I don't even know that yet. I've been trying to think of one. I could use a memory or visualization of a peaceful place, I could use a picture of someone I care about, some object that makes me feel relaxed or peaceful like a stuffed animal. There's infinite possibilities. I have no idea.

Another worry on my mind is that I still don't have my labor bag packed! Part of that is knowing I need to get a nightgown that buttons in the front for nursing purposes, and that I don't have any idea what my focal point is going to be. I also need to find my CD player and either burn or buy a classical music CD. I used to go to sleep to that stuff, especially the Native American flute music. I know that would help me relax. And we still don't have a diaper bag for Junior. Bryan wants this thing that looks like a tool belt that goes over the shoulder. I want something more traditional. I showed him a few websites with diaper bags, hoping he'd pick a more traditional one that didn't look too babyish or girly, and he picked this Baby Bandolier thing. I just worry that it won't have room for everything we need. I'm still going to order it, but I may go ahead and get a different one for me. I don't know yet. We picked out a stroller, but haven't bought it yet. And we don't have a baby carrier. We're not getting any of that stuff until after payday, which is a week away. I know we're getting it, but I worry that he'll come early and we won't have any of it.

And Bryan and I still have to talk about our birth plan, what I want done, what I don't want done, things I'd like to have with me, etc. Lots of stuff still to do, and I haven't finished cleaning the house, either. I had made a list of all the little things that needed done, and decided we (think "I") needed to do two things on the list each day to get everything done in time. I've been seriously slacking off for the last four days, haven't done anything. I've just been too tired. No energy. Even now, I'm dragging. I keep misspelling words. I slept til ten after taking Bryan to work at 5:30, and it's only noon, but I am so wanting to go lie down and take a nap. I probably will, because I know I need the rest. But it just drives me crazy because I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive.

This post has gone on long enough. Time to quit griping and go take a nap.

TTFN!!!